Honestly . .

For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh.
Romans 9:3
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I wish it wasn’t real.

I wish God hadn’t had my mom force me to go to church at a young age.
I wish God hadn’t used Pastor Roy L. Pennon to plant seeds in my heart.
I wish when I walked away from God and His church he wouldn’t have placed true believers in my life to pour into me.
I wish that even as I inhaled weed and drank bottle after bottle that God didn’t continue to hold my world in his hands (2 Timothy 2:13).
I wish He hadn’t brought my brother, Will Barker, into my life to share the Gospel with me day in and day out.
I wish God would have allowed Will to give up as I rejected the truth and even his friendship.
I wish in August of 2012 God didn’t lead me to fall on my knees in full surrender (Galatians 2:20).
I wish he hadn’t open my eyes to His word and made it come alive to me, (Hebrews 4:12).
I wish His love hadn’t consumed me, (Romans 5:5).
I wish His peace hadn’t overcome my anger & pride.
I wish no one else could see the difference in me, (Galatians 5:22-23)..
I wish the way I viewed myself and this world hadn’t radically changed, (2 Corinthians 3:16).
I wish I didn’t feel like I was flying.
I wish I had something else to attribute it to.
I wish my sinful nature hadn’t become real to me.
I wish he hadn’t gave me new desires,(Ezekiel 32:26).
I wish I was making this all up.
I wish I hadn’t had encounters with God that made me quiver uncontrollably.
I wish I didn’t feel complete in his presence, (Colossians 2:10).
I wish I couldn’t see the wickedness of this world and its ways. A world that I was so engulfed in. (1 John 5:19).
I wish I was wrong about eternity and the coming of Jesus Christ, (2 Corinthians 5:10).
I wish I didn’t have encounters with God that made me fearfully  run from any malice in my heart towards others.
I wish God hadn’t showed me things while praying that reign true in my life or in others’ lives shortly after.
I wish there wasn’t any such thing as spirits and all that was in this earth was what we can see and feel or what science can make sense of.

I wish God hadn’t spoken to my girlfriend, Courtney, in dreams (Genesis 46:2).
I wish the truth behind what God spoke in dreams hadn’t happened.
I wish Satan hadn’t attack her in such a way that she couldn’t talk but just cry.
I wish I was just telling a scary story.
I wish God hadn’t showed his authority and power by cooling her body temperature and allowing her to speak again as his children stepped out on faith & began to pray against the enemy and his tactics in Jesus name.

My spirit is in a broken place. It troubles my soul to see people that I love, choose their own path rather than choosing to have faith in Jesus and turning away from this world and the things of it. If the things listed above didn’t take place, then maybe the questions I’ve come up with in my created mind regarding the Creator might be sufficient to persuade myself that God doesn’t exist. And if He doesn’t exist then we don’t have to worry about the day when we stand before God Almighty who will judge everything we’ve done from start to finish. Who knows us far better than anyone else. Who we can’t hide from or trick. If God isn’t real then what he said about spitting out those who are lukewarm .. neither cold nor hot in Revelation 3:16, can  also be voided. If God isn’t real, then Heaven and Hell aren’t real. If Heaven and Hell aren’t real, then true faith and repentance aren’t necessary. If Hell isn’t real, then I don’t have to be haunted by the idea of those I love being devoured by flames, (Psalms 21:9), surrounded by darkness with no chance of escaping. Trapped in a place where worms don’t even die, (Mark 9:48), and there’s weeping and gnashing of teeth, (Matthew 8:12).
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Unfortunately, what I wished for just like the phrase “I don’t believe,” can’t change the truth and reality of Gods existence. God is real! He has made it known in so many ways. Please seek him before it’s too late! For no one knows the time or the hour, (Matthew 24:36).
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                                                                                                             Love,

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